Oh, the joy.

What a joy it is to read a new book! I just read the book For One More Day, by Mitch Albom (www.albom.com). The twists at the end..ohh my goodness. I cried twice, and literally screamed outloud (don't worry, it was a happy scream!). You should definitely put it on your Must Read list.

I wonder if anyone else goes through reading spurts like I do. I have a feeling no one does, except my friend Andrew. I read a lot from about age eight to probably twelve. Then I dropped it til age fourteen, then stopped a few months later. Now, three years later, I am on this reading kick that won't go away.

Not that I'm disappointed or anything. :)

Away..

Being away from home isn't nearly as terrible as I thought it would be, nor is it as fun.

For the longest time, all I wanted to do was move out and be independent. Live on my own, work, pay my own bills, etc.. Even though I'm not paying all of my bills yet (and won't be for several years to come), I'm starting to feel the weight of being an adult. It's pretty scary.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am VERY excited about this new stage in my life. I absolutely cannot wait until January when I have my own house/apartment and have to sustaine myself. But it is a little frightening when you realize that you are seventeen years old and already an adult.

That was really all I wanted to say. I'm a little lonely sometimes, but it really isn't all bad. So for anyone scared about moving away from home, don't be worried at all. :)

Moving On...

Moving on in your life is scary.



Ever since I was a little kid I've been as independent as I could be, and since I was ten I've wanted to move out and live on my own. Pay my own bills, go to work or school everyday, and eventually get married and have kids. And I always wanted to do it early. I think that was because I wanted to impress my parents...I wanted them to be proud. It never really seems like they feel that way toward me. I suppose that's just because I'm young?



I've had a few plans, of which I've written about, but now that it's actually time to put those plans into action...I'm scared out of my mind. I'm conflicted because I don't want to stay at home with my mother, and I don't want to move in with my dad, yet I'm afraid to go to school and start my career.



I'm sure that all of this is completely normal, it's just difficult for me because I'm doing it a year early (just as I had always hoped), so none of my friends are going through the same thing. I feel completely alone.



Then I start to feel guilty for thinking I'm alone when I've got two best friends who are there for me 100%, and my very best friend who happens to be my boyfriend, who loves me like no other.



Is it wrong that I feel alone? WHY do I feel this way? Will this feeling go away? These are questions I ask myself all the time. I always just end up disappointed because I never find the answers.



I also get frustrated when I confide in someone about my fears and they say, "it'll be okay, it's only four months of school!" But what they don't understand is that I'll be three hours away from everyone I know, feeling even more alone while I go to school for several hours each day. Not to mention the homework I'll have every night and over the weekend, along with my required babysitting that I don't even get paid for.



I know that everyone who goes to any kind of school has to deal with these things, it just feels better to write it down, and my journal doesn't seem to help so much anymore. That's when I turn to blogspot. :)

Ignorance...

I dont understand how someone can scream at a child and then tell them to stop crying.

Or hit a kid and tell them to shut up.

Or yell at a child to stop yelling.

What is that about? Theres this lady I know who spanked her kids and one time when I was at their house, one girl hit her brother and her mom came over, spanked her and said, get this, "dont hit your brother." How do you think she learned to hit?

Honestly...peoples ignorance, neglect, abuse, and stupidity pisses me off.

Especially when it comes from someone close....

People..

I was talking to my boyfriend last week about people...he tried to explain to me the thoughts that go through his head. At the time, this is what I understood:

"I put myself in other peoples perspectives."

He thought it was fascinating..I didn't get it at all. But just recently I was lying in bed thinking about all the things he said, and now I see what he was talking about. He meant that he places himself in other peoples heads and tries to think the way they think, wonder what they wonder, remember experiences that he himself may not have ever even considered.

At least that's what I think he meant. Either way, I'm obsessed now. Every person I see I think about what might be happening in their life, their hardships and their blessings alike.

When Andrew was trying to make me understand, he said two things that really caught my attention. One was this; you see a person walking down the street and you forget about them as soon as they pass. What we seem to forget is that the man or woman walking past you is an individual person with very personal thoughts and experiences. At first I didn't see why that was interesting. I used to look at random people and recognize the fact that they're human beings with their own minds and lives...but I never really thought about it like that.

The second thing was when we were almost back to my house and we saw someone pull into a drive thru for alcohol and Andrew pointed them out. He asked questions like, "Why are they going in there? Why do they think they need it? What's going on in their life that makes them want to escape?" That's what interested me. In fact, it interests me to no end.

Maybe this will open someones eyes (though no one ever reads this..) like the thought opened mine.

That's all I have to say.

Steadily sliding down hill...

When you think of Disney, do you think of the old classics such as Aladin, The Little Mermaid, and Fantasia? Or perhaps the newer films such as High School Musical (1 & 2), Cory in the House, and Hannah Montana? Though all these productions are popular but, to me at least, they don't have the same feel as the original hand-drawn Disney movies. Don't get me wrong, I like High School Musical and Meet the Robinsons...but they don't even compare to Bambi and The Fox and the Hound.

I don't know why I wrote this, but I wanted to voice my opinion (surprising, I know).

When I grow up...

For many years I wondered what I wanted to be "when I grow up." Well, I'm basically a grown up now. What phrase can I use now?



I hate being unsure of myself and my plans for the future. For the longest time, I wanted to be a dancer with writing and photography on the side (as sources of income since ballet pays very little)...then that changed. I stopped being so interested in photography, ballet was out of the question, and writing...well...I'm not so good.



What now? I considered my options, something with children seemed the most predominant. I discovered nannying as a career, and it was perfect! I looked into agencies and schools and found that there were only two accredited schools in the whole country, I chose the one closest.

So far, I've put two-hundred dollars into application fees, book fees, dorm deposits, etc., but do I really want to go there? Every time I call, they tell me something different. They never remember who I am or why the called me if I'm returning their call. It's just really unorganized.

For awhile I was really discouraged, confused, and anxious to figure out where I was going to go to school if I changed my mind about the English Nanny and Governess School.

Then...out of the blue, my aunt sent me a newspaper clipping about the English Nanny and Governess School and a new nanny school called "The Alexandria School." What great timing!

I don't have a solution yet, but I'm excited to go on a visit to this new school with optimism and interest.

Snow

Snow is pretty...but I HATE it. It's been snowing for twenty-four hours straight, and I'm sick of it! We now have a blizzard warning until 4pm today. No one is answering at work, so I can't even go there. The one time I actually want to go to work, I can't. That figures. And now the kids are awake...there shall never be peace and quiet again! Ahhh!

And no boyfriend.

I bet I sound real mature...

Foster Care

This is the first of three articles about the foster care system.

Each article will focus on three main subjects within foster care:

article one - improving the children's experience
article two - helping the parents more
article three - focusing on the foster family/counseling

In the Ohio foster care system, children are taken from their homes, immediately put through a series of tests, including lice checks, questioning, and clothing inventory. They then get sent to a respite provider for the length of time it takes the agency to find a suitable home.

As soon as they're placed in a foster home, they children are thrown into a whole new school system with people they don't know, meanwhile begging to see their parents.

There are many foster parents who heard that there's a job that you can get a couple of kids, send them off to school, and get paid for it. They rape, neglect and abuse children of all ages. The people need to be screened more..and the agency should check up on homes more often.

Lets use my friend Shirley as an example. When I met her she was seventeen, but she'd been tossed around through so many homes that she was held back in ninth grade. She wasn't stupid or unintelligent in anyway, it was just the lack of stability in her life that messed with her grades. She told me that in most of her families she had either been raped, molested, or physically abused by the mother, father, or brother. So she acted out...she yelled and hit back. She ran away from home and skipped school. What happened? She became a delinquent, a "bad teenager." The one who didn't know what was best for her. That doesn't seem real fair, does it?

Another thing that messes with the kids' schooling is the fact that the agency is willing to take them out of school for just about anything. Every week our foster kids get out of school over an hour early to go on their visit with their parents. The visit is definitely extremely important...but so is school.

Now, I'm not a believer in public school. I think that homeschooling is the ideal schooling situation for most children, but its illegal to homeschool foster kids. So if you're going to force the kids to go to school, at least let them be there. They already get made fun of for being foster kids, why give their classmates more ammunition by taking them out of school weekly?

I feel that counseling should be made much much more accessible to the foster kids. Your foster parent has to request a counseling session before they even consider it. These children are dealing with SO much and they deserve a little help from an outsider, just like the rest of us.

The agency should also provide tutoring and alternatives to public schooling. They should at least consider online schooling. Schools such as OhDela still have structure like public schools, but when a child gets transfered to another home, they can continue with their school work and they won't fall behind.

I know that there's a lot to be done to improve the children's already difficult experience in foster care, so why doesn't the government focus on that a little more?

Kids..

I think kids are amazing, in so many ways. For one..every single child I've ever seen has been absolutely adorable. Adults definitely aren't like that. Haha. Anyway, they are so innocent. Truly innocent and content with simple things. Why can't we, as teenagers and adults, feel the same way?

Children are compassionate, kind, and caring. They find joy in the simplest of things, such as sliding down slides and swinging on swings. They have such incredible imaginations and they always seem to find the good in things.

In most cases they forgive and forget before you even realize they were actually upset. If we could act like that, can you imagine how many wars wouldn't have begun? How many relationships could have been saved, and how much happier we'd all be? What a world we'd live in!

They say that when a child is born, thats the closest to God you'll ever get. But why is that so? Why can't adults act compassionately? How come we forget how to forgive and see the good in everything (and everyone)?

I think thats what children are here to teach us. They remind us how to live well.

They are most definitely gifts from God.

Love

love
–noun
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.

–verb (used with object)
15. to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her.
16. to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).
17. to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music.
18. to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight.
19. to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover.

–verb (used without object)
21. to have love or affection for another person; be in love.

—Synonyms 1. tenderness, fondness, predilection, warmth, passion, adoration. 1, 2. Love, affection, devotion all mean a deep and enduring emotional regard, usually for another person. Love may apply to various kinds of regard: the charity of the Creator, reverent adoration toward God or toward a person, the relation of parent and child, the regard of friends for each other, romantic feelings for another person, etc. Affection is a fondness for others that is enduring and tender, but calm. Devotion is an intense love and steadfast, enduring loyalty to a person; it may also imply consecration to a cause. 2. liking, inclination, regard, friendliness. 15. like. 16. adore, adulate, worship.

No real reason for this post. :)

God's First Commandement

What was God's first commandement in the Bible?

People might respond that it is the first of
ten commandments, but that's not it. Let's go
to the videotape, please (rewind).

In the beginning (Genesis) God's first law was:

"Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed,
which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree,
in which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed;
to you it shall be for food."

Go ahead. Say a prayer. Ask God for a favor when
you really need one. Then ask yourself a question.
Why should God listen to you if you have ignored
his first rule?

Robert Cohen
http://www.notmilk.com

Media..

"The means of communication, as radio and television, newspapers, and magazines, that reach or influence people widely" that's how http://www.dictionary.com/ defines the word "media".

My question is this: why do we let the media affect our daily lives so much? Why do we allow children to view media that encourage inappropriate things such as sex, violence, and anorexia?

These are advertisements for the ever popular Abercrombie & Fitch clothing store. They are obviously sexual, so why do we allow pre-teen girls to read nonsense magazines with ads like this one? Could this possibly relate to date rape and teen pregnancy?

My next point is violence. Our country is becoming more and more violent as a whole. Why, you might ask. Take a look around. Check out your kids' video games. What about the television shows and movies they watch? Even the books the read. Children do as they see, not as they're told, so if your son is playing the video game "Bully,"

you can expect him to start acting violently towards his friends.

This brings us to the subject of anorexia. Eating disorders used to be more limited to young women in fields such as ballet and modeling, but in recent years it's become much more widespread.

The reason for this growth is partly peer pressure, but mostly the media. They print photos of overly thin models and actresses.

Since girls look up to these women, they do what they have to so they can be just like their idol.

Not to mention the advertisements with sickly women posing for a clothing line or make up product.

(this image is of model Ana Carolina Reston who died of anorexia)

There's also the huge influence coming from music. It reaches into the subjects of sex and violence deeply.

"Smack that, all on the floor.

Smack that, give me some more.

Smack that,

'till you get sore."

--Akon, "Smack That."

"Hey, bitch,

wait'll you see my dick.

Wait'll you see my dick.

Hey, bitch.

I'm 'a beat that pussy up."

--Ying Tang Twins, "Wait (The Whisper Song)."

Those are just a few examples of the incredibly disrespectful and sexist songs out there today. Though, there are still some that show some regard to women, such as "Your Body is a Wonderland" by John Mayer.

"You tell me where to go and

Though I might leave to find it

I'll never let your head hit the bed

Without my hand behind it

you want love?

We'll make it

Swimming a deep sea

Of blankets

Take all your big plans

And break 'em

This is bound to be a while"

Though these lyrics are about sex, it shows John Mayer's respect for a women and her body, opposed to this:

"Work the pole, I got the bank roll

Imma say that I prefer them no clothes

I'm into that, I love women exposed"

--T-pain, "Low"

"Who wanna spaz out?

Crunchtime, blow ya abs out

Leave you in the fetal position, witcha ass out"

--Fat Joe, "Murder Rap"

"But I'ma chase 'em to the end of the Earth

Cause I'm a motherfuckin' rider

You can see the pain in my face

Got no problem exchangin' the hate"

--Fat Joe, "Bust at You"

Not only are the last lyrics violent, they just make "Fat Joe" sound incredibly dumb. Though his name does that already.

I don't have a solid solution, but I'd say that limiting what our kids see and hear might be a good place to start...lets at least TRY to save the next generation.

My Angel

This is something I wrote last year, and I thought I'd post it.



5/27/07
It was May 22 and I was in the front seat of my mom’s car as we drove home from my dad’s house.
“What’s the point, anyway?” I think to myself. “No one would miss me if I suddenly disappeared, so why not just die?” I lay my head against the window and close my eyes. I think about all the things that are going wrong in my life, forgetting about the hundreds of good things.
I begin thinking about my options.
“Well, you could runaway…” I reply to myself harshly, “you don’t have anywhere to go.” I sigh and start thinking of suicide.
Finally I realize what I’m doing and I pray.
“God, help me out here. I need something to brighten my day.”

A few minutes later my mom decides to take a nap at a McDonald’s in Delaware. I go into the restroom and as I’m washing my hands a little girl comes out of one of the stalls. She gets some soap on her hands, turns on the water, looks at me and gives me a smile.
By the time I finished washing my hands, she was already drying hers. I walked up to the other air dryer and press the button. Nothing happens. I sigh and think sarcastic thoughts about the dryer inside my head.

I look at the little girl. She returns a glance and says, “You can use mine,” with a smile that would make anyone feel better. So, I thank her with a half-smile and start drying my hands. I noticed that her hands were still a little wet so I offer her dryer back to her. She says thanks and steps away when she finishes.

The little girl just stood there and looked at me as I rubbed my hands together under the warm air. As she stands observing me, I notice her outfit: she’s wearing a bright red cowgirl hat; a light blue flower print tank top; a green, pink, and white striped skirt; tennis shoes and white socks. I smile because she probably picked out her outfit herself.

Then, this amazing little girl gave me the most heartwarming smile I’ve ever seen, right before she walked out of the restroom.

She may have been young, no older than eight, I would imagine, but she saved me from something that no one else could. She’s an angel to me.

Interpretation of a Prediction

I can remember last summer when the Jehovah Witnesses came to Toledo, where my dad lives. My dad and his family attend a strict Lutheran church and so, of course, they felt the need to hand out an article about how Jehovah Witnesses aren't real Christians and that they're evil and this and that. I just recently read the article.

Jehovah Witnesses don't believe in hell...but they do believe that when Jesus Christ returns, exactly 144,000 people will be saved and sent to heaven. The rest will be abolished. This is different from Lutherans because they believe that on Judgement Day, a select few people will go to heaven with Jesus, and the rest will be eternally punished in hell. Personally, I disagree with both view points.

It is written in the article that the founder of Jehovah Witnesses, Charles Taze Russel, predicted that Jesus would return in 1914, but most believe that this never happened. I'd like to point out that Mahatma Gandhi was alive and active during this time.

Does Gandhi really differ from Jesus Christ all that much? They both believed in peace, love, and non-violence. They both had a HUGE impact on their community, their culture, and the entire world. They both believed deeply in a higher power, and they both drew their reasoning and energy from that power.

Who's to say that this prediction of Christ's return wasn't about Gandhi? Maybe Charles Taze Russel meant that someone would see the world in the same way that Jesus did. He may not have even known that Gandhi was the prophet he spoke of...it is possible that Russel heard something from God that he was meant to spread to those he knew and he didn't fully understand it. That wouldn't be the first time that has happened.

Thats just a thought I had the other day and wanted to share. :)

hate the sin, love the sinner - Gandhi

i object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent. - Gandhi

victory attained by violence is tantamount to a defeat, for it is momentary. -Gandhi

Dance

So, I'm a dancer. Well, I was anyway. I did ballet. Not the petty competition school, pay two-hundred-dollars-for-an-ugly-sequeny-costume-I'll-only-wear-once kind of thing. I'm talking hardcore, seven days a week, several hours a day, dance till your feet bleed kind of ballet. I was serious about it. All I wanted to do was dance.


I had some problems though. I wasn't thin enough. I'm not now and never have been, though I wasn't ever actually "fat." I'm 5'5 and weigh 120lbs. Not bad, right? Well, when I was a dancer it was. I needed to be no more than 110lbs to be close to thin enough. Or so they said.


Not only was I too fat to dance, as my dad told me in those exact words (that's a whole nother story), I wasn't good. In fact, I sucked. Bad. I couldn't dance. I wasn't as flexible as I needed to be (even though I worked REALLY hard for it...I slept in the splits for pete's sake), I wasn't as strong as I needed to be, my feet weren't as nice as they needed to be. I just couldn't do it.


But those weren't my only problems.

The owner and instructor of the school was really hard on us, whether we wanted to be professional dancers or not, he made us work our butts off. He was constently telling us we weren't good enough and that we weren't doing it right. Everyday he yelled more and more. It go to the point of physical abuse. He hit one of my classmates...we'll call her Jess...and he hit her hard. So hard that it left a mark. It was a small rehearsal so not many people were there, about eight. And so my instructor..Bob...wrote it off as an accident. He said that HER leg "flew up and hit his hand." B.S., I know. No one would listen to me.

So I decided to leave. Physical abuse is where I draw the line. After eight years of dancing and putting everything I had into it, all of my time and money, after all the blood, sweat, and tears, I had to let it go. There weren't any schools besides my own that were good enough to send their students on to be professionals, and I obviously wasn't good enough to make it anywhere else. I gave it all up. All of my hopes and dreams. My entire life, gone. In an instant.


That was a year and a half ago. For almost a year I cried myself to sleep basically every night. I put on a fake smile and pretended like it was all okay. I was over it. "It's just ballet." I would say with a slight laugh. People actually believed me.


Then I met Andrew, who is now my boyfriend. Because of him, I stopped crying myself to sleep every night. He helped me forget all of my pain and be happy. That only lasted for so long. Finally I got comfortable with him and let him into my heart completely. Thats when I realized, I'm not over it. I never was, he just helped me see that there is still good in my life.


I still tell everyone that I'm over it, that I don't care. That what Bob did didn't break my heart. That all of the comments about me not being thin enough didn't make me anorexic (although I'm healthy now). That all of the words spoken meant to hurt me, didn't. No one but Andrew knows that my heart is broken.


Until now. Anyone who reads this blog will know, and I'm glad.

Blogs..

Well, I've always thought blogging was a neat idea, but I've never been real successful with continuing to write.

So here I am, trying it once again.

I've been wondering, whats the facination with posting your personal thoughts and feelings on the internet? Maybe its the same thing as keeping a journal, but public. Maybe people want all their friends to know what they're feeling and the things they've experienced, but don't want to actually talk about it. I certainly know that feeling. It's possible that some people use blogs as a way to get published, and get their name out there as a writer.

Or maybe people are like me. Maybe they created a blog so that they can express every single feeling, but none of their friends will know about it. I have a journal, but sometimes that isn't enough, you know? Every now and then I need a little feedback, some encouragement from someone that I don't know. Sometimes thats more of a comfort than someone close saying the same thing.

Don't ask me why, I'm not a psychologist, but it makes sense in my head some how.